Jokes

My Beloved

Pond covered with blooming pink and white water lilies reflecting sunrise and a small arched bridge
A serene garden pond with blooming water lilies under a soft sunrise sky
Image AI generated
based on poem

My Beloved

In my dream garden,
the early sun floats petals
across a lily pond.
Framed among lilies,
my beloved’s face drifts
through a watery space.

So sweet, her embodiment:
she lies languid among the lilies,
beside herself in bloom after bloom,
each flower gigantic in its frame
beneath a wooden footbridge.

I envision her as she was,
this lily who will toil not, nor spin,
 and who sighs with the morning breeze
 that ripples her smiling countenance
into a thousand fragments.

She lies cushioned amid the lily pads,
a work of wonder in liquid impressions
fluid in this fragmented light.

Comment:

I guess Moo will be pretty upset when he sees this AI generated painting of a lily pond. He offered me a couple of lovely paintings today, but they had no lilies in them, so I said “Thanks, but no thanks.” Oh dear. I hope I haven’t sparked another feud. I did ask him if he had some lilies, but he shook his head – “Sadly, no.” he said. “I don’t paint them. I’m Moo, not Moo-net.”

Speaking of Monet – a student once asked me what was the definition of Baroque. He picked a bad day. I was in joyful mood. “Baroque is when you’re out of Monet,” I told him. Dead silence. So I tried to explain. Baroque / Broke — Monet / Monnaie / Money. Then he let out a long, low whistle. “Is that why they pay you the big bucks?” he asked me. Well, I didn’t really get big bucks. But at least I had tenure – the monkeys rhymes it with manure in the Monkey Temple. I guess we’ll stay well clear of that one. Ain’t no lilies in that old temple pond.

“What’s yellow and deadly?” “I don’t know,” says Moo. “Shark infested custard,” I tell him. “Why don’t you try painting that. You could add some false teeth and a few streaks of strawberry jam.” O

“Okay,” said Moo. “You asked for it. What’s black and blue and lies face down in the gutter?” “I don’t know,” I replied. “Please enlighten me.” “You, if you keep telling jokes like that,” he pulled a paint brush out of his pocket and shook it in my direction. Very threatening.

“I’ll tell you a better one,” I said, smiling, “here – what’s got four legs, sits in a kennel, wags its tail, and barks?” He looked at me for a few seconds then said hesitantly, “A dog?” “Oh dear, sorry,” I frowned at him, “it’s an old joke. You must have heard it before.”

Enigma Variations

Enigma Variations

Our world is spinning on its edge, placed on
the perimeter of space, going who knows where.

Specks of dust, we float around and contemplate
night’s wonders wondering what might happen.

Out there, in the vastness that surrounds us,
worlds without end will never know we existed.

Bleak and blank our names, our deeds, our status,
the monuments sometimes raised in our praise.

And what of our thoughts, those sparks
of electricity that link us mind to mind?

Is each of our actions determined by a dance
performed by circling planets that shape us?

Are we nothing more than a code
of virtually meaningless dots and dashes?

Are we then pinballs bouncing between
a million trillion strings of flashing lights?

What star god plays trivial games of snakes
and ladders with our lives and names?

Commentary:

Moo’s painting is called Grey Sky with Bear Claws. He thinks it is a great companion to the poem. Actually, I rather think he likes to have his paintings published online without the necessity of lifting a finger to help. Oh dear – he heard that and just lifted his middle finger in my direction. “I am helping,” he said. “I also lift paint brushes. Remember that, you philistine.”

Philistine? Me? Now why would I be a Philistine? And what is a Philistine anyway? That’s where AI comes in. Thank you, Don Ryan. I wouldn’t know about AI without you. “And you wouldn’t know about painting without me,’ says Moo. “So tell me what a Philistine is,” I said to him. “Go look it up,” he scowled, wagging that finger in a menacing way. So I did.

AI to the rescue. A philistine is a person who is hostile, indifferent, or smugly oblivious to art, culture, and intellectual pursuits. The term typically describes someone whose interests are purely materialistic and practical, lacking any aesthetic refinement or appreciation for high culture.

Well, I don’t think that’s fair. Let’s see – hostile, indifferent, or smugly oblivious to art – no, that’s not me. I love Moo’s art, and he knows I do. I am not hostile to it at all, though I might be just a little teeny weeny bit hostile to him when I think he is lazy and doesn’t appreciate me. More – someone whose interests are purely materialistic and practical, lacking any aesthetic refinement or appreciation for high culture – no. I refuse to accept that. Purely materialistic? I give my poems away, free of charge, to my friends and anyone else who wants to read them. Moo isn’t materialistic either. He gives his paintings away to his friends. I know he does, because I have seen him do it. Come to think of it, I don’t think either of us is practical. We wouldn’t be living in Penury if we were.

Sorry. I won’t go any further. That’s all Isle of Wight Ferry, as they say in Hampshire. Well, I won’t call you a Philistine if you don’t know what they say in Hampshire. Okay – here goes. “What’s hot, black and smelly and comes steaming backwards out of Cowes?” Why, it’s the Isle of Wight Ferry, of course. Well, it was until they replaced it with a hovercraft. Now the joke [Cowes, the port / cows] doesn’t work any more. So, here’s a couple of questions at Philistine 100 level for you – (1) What have Margo and Reg got? If you don’t know, you’ll have to ask Stomping Tom Connors. And (2) what did Reggie give to Margo? Okay, okay. I give in. I’ll tell you.

Answers – (1) Margo’s got the Cargo and Reggie’s got the Rig. (2) A cowsy dungsy clock, of course. Made only in Canada. And you can check that one on AI too. And look up the song on YouTube while you are at it. Canada Day – July 1 – and Stomping Tom Connors is one of the best adverts for Canada. Go, check out his songs.

My favorite cat

My favorite cat

Pebbles have caught in my throat.
The word-river once flowing smooth
now backs up to spill leaf-freckled foam
over the tiniest barriers of branch and weed.

When I speak, some gypsy I find
has stolen my tongue, and my voice
is that of a changeling whisked away
from the cradle whilst her guardians slept.

Now leaves outside my window grow
rusty with autumn rain. A sharp-shinned hawk
no bigger than the blue jay he stalks
drives like a whirlwind at our feeder.

In dawn’s early light, a Great Barred owl
flaps enormous wings and drops like a stone
on my favorite cat, lifting her up and away.

Commentary:

Not a true story – sorry, my friends. However, I did see a Great Barred Owl swoop down on my neighbor’s cat. A canny old cat that one. He rolled over on his back, hissing and spitting, and showing all his unsheathed claws. Then he let out a most unnerving high-pitched whining sound and the owl backed off. Nature red in tooth and claw and our own backyard a battle ground where wild creatures roam and prey on each other.

Luckily, as a poet, I need neither seek nor deliver the truth, in any sense of the word. What I search for is emotional impact – words that ring true, even if they are not. Moments that reach out and grab us when and where we least expect it. As someone once said – never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Same with jokes.

And speaking of jokes, cross-cultural jokes are some of the most difficult things for a language learner to grasp. Humor exists in many forms. Silent comedy, like slapstick, does not need an interpreter. However, jokes based on cultural understanding are remarkably difficult to follow, unless one is totally immersed in the culture. As for linguistic jokes, even the sharpest individual can be defeated by word play and double meanings. I remember word plays from my beginner’s language classes that still leave me cold. Sorry, I just don’t find them funny even when explained. Clever, maybe, but funny? No way. Molière for example – Trissotin / trois fois fous. Really? ne dis pas que c’est amaranthe, dis plutôt que c’est de ma rente. Or, from the Spanish of Fuenteovejuna, Lope de Vega – Ciudad Real es del Rey. I hope you are splitting your sides over that one – I have never been able to laugh at it and still can’t understand what’s funny about it. C’est la vie, I guess.