Survivors

Red Cloud of Reality

Red Cloud of Reality

Far from the city lights
this night sky
a black umbrella
held above my head

the brolly’s fabric
pierced by pin-pricks
silent stars careless
in their indifference

las night a cloud of unknowing
descended – wrapped itself
blanket-like around my house
brought warmth and comfort

today I sit alone and lost
head in hand – searching for sustenance
seeking the freedom to sky walk
to turn schemes and dreams into facts

Person holding a glowing umbrella overlooking a neon cyberpunk cityscape at night
A figure under a starry sky, holding an illuminated umbrella.

Big Brother painted this.
He’s watching you.

Comments:

Me and Moo back sharing poems and paintings, thoughts expressed in words and paint. How nice to be together again. Never mind the weather, as long as we’re together. Careful now, The Red Cloud of Reality is not part of a Wild West Show. There are no elephants and kangaroos in this part of the world. How cryptic can we be? I don’t know. Look carefully at Moo’s painting. Can you see an elephant or a kangaroo? Not unless they are fossilized, methinks. Fossilized before our eyes. Oh what fun it is to ride on a one engine sky red slay along with the Scarlet Pimpernel and the Lone Ranger. But how can he be a Lone Ranger if he’s accompanied? Don’t ask me, ask Tonto. Jay’s the one who knows everything. He even knows who that masked man is. I know, I know – he’s a survive of Covid, very wise, because he always wore a mask. And what did you do during Covid? Well, I didn’t shine bright lights inside my system. I didn’t drink Drano – a cure all for everything, if you’re a drain pipe. Me? A drain pipe? I don’t even wear drainpipe trousers. Oh those were that days. No parking meters outside our doors to greet us! Fings aint what they used to be. Figs, neither. And that’s why Syrup of Figs is all the rage Even better than Cod Liver Oil. I bet you don’t remember Scott’s Emulsion? Indeed I do. I also remember Eno’s Fruit Salts. Made you really happy they did as you rowed merrily, merrily down the stream of consciousness into the Land of Nod. You mean Toytown – the land of Noddy, Big Ears, and Mr. Plod. Big ears? See – an African Elephant. I knew there was one in there somewhere. And here he comes, blowing his own trumpet. How does an elephant commit suicide? I won’t tell you. I refuse to give King’s Evidence, even if you do put me in the soup – Cream of Kangaroo Court, of course. I bet you didn’t see that one coming. Hop along, now. Here comes Cassidy les Calanques and he don’t wait for nobo-doddy even if his name’s really Ken. I don’t get it. I didn’t get it either. That’s how I stayed clear of Covid. Ha! Try translating that little piece from Welsh into Basque. You’ll end up in a basket, cased like all those other little boiled egos, with their little legos. Never mind – “il faut imaginer Moo heureux!” / We must believe that Moo is happy.

Inquisitor

Cracked heart-shaped rock with ancient carvings in a sandy desert
A cracked heart-shaped stone with carvings lies cracked in a desert landscape.

Inquisitor

He told me to read,
and plucked my left eye from its orbit;
he slashed the glowing globe of the other.
Knowledge leaked out: loose threads dangling,
the reverse side of a tapestry.

He told me to speak,
and squeezed dry dust between my teeth.
I spouted a diet of Catechism and Confession.

He emptied my mind of poetry and history.
He destroyed the myths of my people.
He filled me with fantasies from a far off land.
I live in a desert where people die of thirst,
yet he talked to me of a man walking on water.

On all sides, as stubborn as stucco,
the prison walls listened, and learned.

I counted the years with feeble scratches:
one, four, two, three;
for an hour, each day, the sun shone on my face;
for an hour, at night, the moon kept me company.
Broken worlds lay shattered inside me.
Dust gathered in my people’s ancient dictionary.

My heart was a weathered stone
withering within my chest.
It longed for the witch doctor’s magic,
for the healing slash of wind and rain.

The Inquisitor told me to write down our history:
I wrote how his church had come to save us.

Phoenix

Phoenix

for my dear friend
whose house burned down

the day my house burned down
nothing to say – nothing to do
the smoke reek stays with me still
my house on the hill overlooking the sea

it meant the world to me – I stood there
just stood – no words – no prayer – ashes
still hot burned through the soles of my shoes
shoe sole – body soul – all of me burned

invisible the scars – not fire burned
like the faces of Spitfire pilots
on fire from burning engine oil
deformed faces – nightmares one and all

the burn ward – grafting – rehabilitation
new skin replaced the old – inch by inch
so slow – not swift like fire – pilots
ashamed to be seen – hiding – afraid

the house – brick and concrete chimney
still standing – roof – windows – doors – gone
furniture flame devoured – I’m no coward
but I couldn’t face the heat – too hot –

now – in my mind’s eye – I look out and see
and what do I see – I see the blue-eyed sea
I see the house foundations – standing strong
I see my new house growing like a tree

old roots dig deep – a silver photo – framed
spared somehow from fire and flame
a diamond sparkling amid ash and dust
gold gone – the diamond sparkling on

will I have the will to rebuild – to till
the garden anew – the sundial standing still
counting only the happy hours – asleep
life’s storms and showers – closing it down

and this I know – rebuilding may be slow
but as sure as the sun will shine – the sundial
will awake – the phoenix will be reborn
from the flame – the house will rise again

Book Burnings

Hooded figures holding torches surround a bonfire of burning books and scrolls.
A group of cloaked figures stands in a dimly lit stone courtyard as they burn ancient scrolls and books in a large central fire.

Image generated by AI


Ryan and Don Roger

5

Book Burnings

            In 1492, the Spanish Jews were given the choice of conversion to Catholicism or of being expelled from Spain. Many chose to leave. Those who converted, and remained, were kept under constant supervision. In an effort to stamp out their faith, their books were condemned to the flames by the Spanish Inquisition. A similar burning of the books in Don Quixote’s library occurs in DQI, 6. Is book burning effective? Some people think so. Other people aren’t so sure.

            The Spanish conquest of Mexico, led by Hernán Cortés, concluded on August 13, 1521, when Spanish forces and their native Tlaxcalan allies captured the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan and emperor Cuauhtémoc, marking the end of the Aztec Empire and the beginning of Spanish colonial rule. The country was then called New Spain. 

Mexico is famous for its codices. These are fan-fold picture histories, drawn on vellum covered with gesso, of tribal conquests, social norms, tables of the gods, in fact a whole cultural and historical record of pre-Hispanic Mexico. The Zouche-Nuttal codex, for example, sets out the conquests of Ocho Venado / Eight Deer, nicknamed Garra de Tigre / Tiger Claw, a Mixtec warrior, who lived between 1063 and 1115. Five of the Mixtec codices survive. Many, many more were burned. The cover of the Vindobonensis shows the burn marks where some daring person pulled the codex from the flames and saved it. Without such saved codices, we would have much less knowledge of pre-Hispanic Mexico.

            Why is this anecdote important? Because prior to the invention of printing, in 1474, manuscripts were written by hand. Yes, some were copied, but many copies were single and unique. Burn the manuscript, destroy the knowledge it contains. Post 1474, with the printing of multiple copies of books, the individual book might be destroyed, but some books would survive from the printing sequence. Apply this to Don Quixote’s library and we note several things. First, Don Quixote’s copies are destroyed. Second, other copies of his books survive elsewhere. In addition, although Don Quixote’s books are burned the ideas in those books survive in the knight’s head and he lives by their rules. Those ideas are spread throughout the history of his adventures to everybody with whom he comes in contact. Conclusion – you can destroy the books. You cannot destroy the ideas that those books contained.

            Ray Bradbury, in Farhenheit 451, describes the burning of books in his dystopian novel. 451F incidentally is the temperature at which paper burns. The books are burnt in Bradbury’s world, but the book people survive. The book people are those who memorize their books and are able to quote them from memory and pass them on orally to other people.

            And people protect their books. How? By placing them in small rooms within their houses and walling up those rooms so that the books could not be found. This happens in DQI, VI – 6. Don Quixote awakes, goes to find his library, but it has disappeared. The housekeeper swears that a sage enchanter descended on a dragon and the library vanished in a puff of smoke. Don Quixote believes the metatheatrical lie and acts as if it were the truth. He then bemoans the fact that he is pursued by malignant sorcerers. These evil enchanters will pursue him throughout the novel whenever he wakes up from his illusions and is faced by reality. Clearly, the sage enchanters have robbed him of his moment of glory (illusion) and reduced him to sorry (the truth).

            Curiously enough, a 16th Century walled-up library was found in a house in Barcarrota, Spain not so long ago. The books were hidden, probably from the Inquisition, so that their owner could escape prosecution. The discovery sheds light on how individuals hid literature from the Inquisition during the 16th century in Spain. It also illustrates how closely Cervantes followed the reality of his times when writing the Quixote.

            You can destroy books. But it is very difficult to destroy the ideas they contain. In this fashion, although the burning of that one book ends the life of that particular volume, it rarely ends the life of the ideas contained within its covers. We might not recognize the names of the characters that Don Quixote quotes from his memory of those histories, but many of the people who encounter the knight during his adventures know them and remember them. Amadis of Gaul is never dead, not when his name lives on. The same is true of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table. King Arthur is said to fstill be alive and can be seen in the shape of a White Crow, bran gwen, in Welsh. And even Walt Disney knew, and profited from, the legend of the sword in the stone.

We will also see, as we continue our journey, that in the same way that tall oaks grow out of small acorns, large parts of later events found in the Quixote already have their seeds sown in these early chapters. Metatheatre, illusion and reality, authorship and censorship, truth and falsehood, waking events and dream sequences – and that is just the start.

Rage, Rage 58

Rage, Rage
58

“What is this sound?”
It is your own death sighing,
groaning, growing
while you wait for it
to devour you.

“What is this feeling”
It is the itch of your own skin
wrinkling and shrinking,
preparing to wrap you
in the last clothes you’ll wear.

“What is this taste?”
It is the taste of your life,
bottled like summer wine
once sweet tasting,
now turning to vinegar.

“What is this smell?”
It is waste and decay,
the loss of all you knew
and of all that knew you.

“That carriage outside?”
It is the dark hearse
come to carry you
to your everlasting home.

Comment:

Moo thinks that his portrait of me is perfectly good for this poem. He told me not to rage, rage against the accuracy of the portrait, but he did tell me to rage, rage against the lack of paper. Où est le papier, indeed. As for the rest of it, he said it’s the same for everyone, so stop making a fuss about it. “You’ve got one last bottle of mescal on the shelf,” he told me. “I know. I’ve seen it. Just swig it down, worm and all, and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

Oh dear. The worm in the bottle. They used to sell the gusanos in Oaxaca’s mescal street at a price of five for ten pesos. I used to buy a two litre coke bottle, filled with mescal from a barrel, and drop ten worms in it. They made yellow streaks as they descended through the liquid. Sweet dreams when you chewed on that lot – and an end to your worries. El brujo, the witch doctor, told me to stick a marijuana plant in the bottle of mescal and when the leaves turned white to rub the liquid into my arthritic knees. “Which doctor was that?” one of the tourists in my apartment block asked me. But I didn’t tell her. Nor did I do it. A waste of good mescal. And to think I now have one last half bottle left. And one little squirmy, crunchy, chewy worm.

Speaking of chewy, crunchy – I had never eaten chapulines, fried grasshoppers, until I went to Oaxaca. I didn’t like the look of them. At the first party I attended was confronted by the host who demanded I eat some. I told him they were taboo, against my religion. He shrugged. When he, and the other guests lost interest in my presence, I tried a couple. They were delicious. A real delicacy. I loved their crunchy little legs.

I guess one is always afraid of the unknown – the gusano in the mescal, the chapulines on the plate, that first plate of calamares en su tinta – squid in its own ink. I love bara lawr – Welsh laver bread – or Welsh caviar, as Richard Burton used to call it. I also know that people who have never eaten bara lawr won’t go near it – it looks like cow pats – but luckily doesn’t taste like them. Don’t ask me how I know. Some people get over their fear of the unknown, others don’t. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Rage, Rage 52 & 53

Rage, Rage
52

A terminus, this waiting
room in which I sit.

This is the hospital’s
forgetting place,
the left-luggage office
where, a human parcel
wrapped in a blue gown,
I wait to be claimed.

Tagged with a label
on my wrist, I find myself
alone with my fate.

53

All choice disappeared
when I came here
and surrendered myself
to the system.

Now I lack free will
and freedom of choice.

Yet I still dream of choosing
my destination, and the ways
and means of arriving there.

Comment:

A terminus – what an interesting word. Terminus a quo or terminus ad quem? Or just a railway terminus or a bus terminus where we sit and wait to change buses of trains? Or maybe just a terminus in terms of being terminal? Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first start to analyze our words in order to see exactly where we might go and where they might lead us.

And what a journey I was on when I first wrote that poem. Sitting in the waiting room, outside the radiation room, waiting for the lady who would wag her finger and point at the machine’s next victim. Would it be me? The man next to me? That woman over there? Many of us avoided each other’s eyes and just sat there stunned – and now you know the meaning, in context, of ojos de besugo – do you remember that from Rage, Rage, 48?. Others chatted. Some sat there quietly while their teeth chattered. Few of us knew each other, except from the hospice where we stayed if we weren’t day patients travelling in on a daily basis and rushing home afterwards.

Libre albedrío – free will. We can say so much about free will and determinism. But when we enter the system, it’s the system that rules. We have free will to enter – and they [the authorities] say we have free will to exit when we wish – but do we? Good question. A very good question. Once tagged, we are as free as the birds, as free as the salmon, as free as the whales – but within that freedom we are tracked, followed, taken in hand, advised, persuaded, manipulated … and whales have a whale of a time when they’re trapped up in fish netting …

Then there are the follow-ups. The appointments. The emails. The telephone calls. The check-ups. The blood tests. The MRIs. The X-rays. The Holter appointments. The various scans. Who is brave enough to get off the wagon or to open the aircraft’s door half way through its flight over the Atlantic and step out? Would you jump from the save-yourself-train – not at all like the gravy train – and think carefully – are you really saving yourself or are you getting yourself into hotter and deeper water? Come along then, let’s open the aircraft’s door and step out over the Atlantic. And tell me, what exactly are we stepping into?

Stop the world, I want to get off! Not so easy to do, my friends, not so easy to do. Not even when you think the terminus in which you are sitting is taking you to hell in a hand-basket. You start to stand up. And the little lady appears, smiles at you, crooks her finger, nods her head, and – as obedient as one of Pavlov’s well-trained puppy dogs – off you go, following in her footsteps.

Book Burnings

Book Burning

A sharp-edged double sword,
this down-sizing,
this clearing out of odds and ends.

Library shelves emptying.
books disappearing, one by one.

So many memories
trapped between each page,
covers, dust-bound now,
dust to dust and books to ashes.

Sorrowful, not sweet, each parting,
multiple losses, characters
never to be met again,
except in dreams.

Heroes, thinkers, philosophers, poets,
their life work condemned to conflagration.

Alpha: such love at their beginnings.
Omega: such despair,
with Guy Fawkes celebrations
the means to their ends.

Word-fires:
the means of forging
those book worlds that surrounded us.

Bonfires:
the means to end them.

Steadfast, the book-fires,
flames fast devouring

all but an occasional volume
snatched by burning fingers,
from the flames.

Comment:

Funny things, book burnings. Why would anyone burn anything as innocent as a book? Good question. Yet people do. And people always have.

I think back to Don Quixote I, 6 and the Scrutiny of the Library. The Priest and the Barber go through the mad knight’s library and one by one examine the books of chivalry and either spare them, or cast them into the flames. This, in itself is a parody of some of the judicial actions of the Spanish Inquisition. In particular, any book that they considered to be unsafe or heretical went into the flames. Our Spanish Knight, of course, went mad through reading too many books of chivalry – and his brain dried up so that he totally lost all reason.

It is very interesting to read which books were spared and why. Equally interesting to find that many were burned on aesthetic grounds – they were not well written, or they were boring. Fascinating.

Fascinating too the book burnings that took place in Mexico during the Conquest of that country by the Spanish Conquistadores. Many pre-Columbian codices were burned. Priceless treasures and histories lost forever. Some, I think the Vindobonensis, still bear the marks of the flames when they were pulled from the fire in an effort to save them.

Moo tells me that my books will never be burned. And I am thankful for that. I asked why they wouldn’t be and he replied that nobody reads them anyway! Not such a comforting thought. So, in an effort to keep me happy and to preserve my books from the flames, another of my friends laid them out on the beach at Holt’s Point, New Brunswick. They certainly won’t burn when the tide comes in.

More important, I see that junk from Canadian Beaches, dated about 1960, has just arrived on the shores of the European continent, sixty plus years later. So – a floating book, a message, perhaps, in a time-bottle, destined to achieve immortality and live for ever. What a comforting thought for those of us who believe in the time and the tide that wait for no man! But they both might wait for his books.

Cribbage

Cribbage

Red and white markers
chase each other
along the S bends,
past the skunk lines
to the final straight
where a single space
awaits the winner.

I don’t remember
who won, nor do I care.

We shuffle the cards
and deal again
as we wait for sleep
to descend and bless us.

We fast, tonight:
no food, no water.

When midnight strikes,
we put away the deck
and pegging board,
and bid each other
goodnight.

Sleep well if you can,
my friend:
morning will bring
a much more serious game
that neither you nor I
can afford to lose.

Comment:

A Golden Oldie from 2015. We were both receiving treatment for cancer, in Moncton, at the Georges Dumont Hospital. We both had sessions the next day, he had opted for surgery, while I was undergoing radiation treatment. We could not sleep, and so we sat up and played cards. It helped reax both of us and we talked while we played. I do not remember the conversation – nor the cards – just the immense peace and brotherhood that wrapped itself around us as we waited together.

A little later, we both left the hospital and we never met again. I remember how he played cards, his pegging skills, his ability to read the hands. But I can’t remember his face, or his name. Yet here he is, a ship that passed me, nameless now, in the night, and still, I hope sails on.

Looking back on those days – I remember such closeness in the Auberge, such camaraderie. Those who had been there longest sharing the secrets of survival skills with the newest arrivals. One of the greatest joys for me, was to meet with so many wonderful Acadians – male and female – who shared their language, their knowledge, and their culture. I remember the quilting sessions, the gossip around the table – and I was the only man in the group. The ladies wanted to know where I had learned to sew so well, but I fudged the answers and wouldn’t tell them. I still keep that knowledge to myself. I remember, too, the painting sessions. And the musical evenings with dance and song. So much encouragement, so much fun – and all in the face of disaster, for not everyone survived their treatment. As for me, I was one of the lucky ones. And I recall those days as blessed, in spite of the fear and sometimes the pain.

Rage, Rage 8 & 9

Rage, Rage
8

A late summer storm
lays waste to the doggy daze
that clouds my mind.

Carnivorous canicular,
hydropic, it drains my soul,
desiccates my dreams,
gnaws me into nothingness.

Tonight, the old black hound
will dog me,
sending my head spinning.

It will force me
to chase my own tail,
round and round
in ever-decreasing circles.

It will devour my future,
leaving past failures
to ghost through my mind.

9

Where now are the hands
that raise me up,
that rescue me
from dark depression,
that haul me out
from life’s whirlpool,
that forestall
the jaws that bite,
that save me
from the claws
that snatch?

Where are the hands
that move the pieces
on the chess board
of my days and nights,
that prepare my breakfast,
that bake my birthday cake
and count the candles
that they place and light?

What will I do
without them
now they are gone?

Commentary:

Gnawed into nothingness – the umbra nihili of the medieval mystics, the shadow of nothingness that sometimes falls upon us, threatening our peace of mind. An AI search offers – Umbra Nihili (Latin for “Shadow of Nothingness”) refers to a concept of cosmic loneliness or existential void famously cited by Meister Eckhart. A great many of my friends have recently discovered this umbra nihili. I am not sure why. I guess it varies for each one of us. Mal de todos, consuelo de tontos / that everyone suffers consoles only fools, the Spaniards say. What can we do at such times? Reach out, help when we can, count only the happy hours, as the inscription on the Roman sundial tells us – horas non numero nisi serenas.

Many have walked this way before. But that should not be a consolation in itself. Rather, it should be an acknowledgement that there is an exit to the maze, a key to unlock misery’s door, a thread to lead us out of the labyrinth. We must just acknowledge that fact and search for the exit, the key, the thread, that will prove to be our personal salvation, and hopefully the salvation of other fellow sufferers as well.

Rage, Rage 5 & 6

Rage, Rage
5

Empty now the house,
clean the floors
where she scattered her toys,
polished the grubby tables,
where her small hands
splattered food,
wanted and unwanted.

Empty the bathroom,
the tub where she took
her daily bath,
dry the towels she dampened,
wrinkled the toothpaste tubes
she happily emptied.

Empty too
this heart of mine
wherein she built her nest.

Like a wild bird, she has flown,
joined the end of summer migration,
yet I still possess a part of her
within my emptiness.

6

I remember how she stood
at the window, excited,
gazing at the birds.

“Finch,” I pointed.
“Goldfinch. Grosbeak.”

Her hands plucked at the air,
not a feather fell,
she caught nothing.

“Yellow, she cried, “yellow,”
jumping up and down with joy.

Her nose, all wet and runny,
left damp, sticky smudges
on the cold window-pane.

I see the greasy smears
that remain where her nostrils
pressed against the pane.

Still the glass stays unwashed
and now that shadow stands
between me and the sun.

Commentary:

Empty house, empty nest. How many homes have just enjoyed the festive spirit, rejoicing in the company of family and friends. Alas, the holiday is almost done. In many houses, the taxis have left for the airport, the cars have driven away, the rooms that were filled with warmth, joy, and laughter are cold and empty. Only the shadows remain. The echo of voices that are now silent.

The old remain, as they were before the festive invasion, old and lonely. The young have flown back and away to their usual lives, their schools, their jobs. I sit before my screen and type these words. My beloved sits in another room and watches TV. When the adverts come on, the volume increases and the same tedious voices mouth their joyless messages. My nest may be empty, but I do not have an empty head. And I don’t want it swamped by the commercial acumen of the tv set.

My head contains many rooms and many of those rooms are filled with memories that will, as Albert Camus said, last me a lifetime. One summer afternoon, examined in its intensity, will last forever, or for as long as the viewer lasts. Alas, I mourn for those who age, who suffer from Alzheimer’s and the like, and whose heads are empty. What do they think, what do they feel, what twilight memories flicker through the empty nests of their ageing brains? I hope and pray I never know.