Well, it’s been a couple of Tiz-Woz days sitting here, looking out of the window, waiting for the results of the bone scans I underwent a week or so ago. I should be getting the results next Monday, on my father’s birthday. He would have been 111 years old and I always celebrate his birthday by wearing either his watch or the one he gave me for my own 21st birthday, way back when.
This is a very special photo. It shows my 21st birthday watch together with the bracelet, with my name on it, that my grand-daughter made for me when she was four years old. Four generations of memories sitting on my wrist. I think she put my nick-name (nom de plume) on the bracelet in case I forget who I am. She knows it can happen in old age. The four dots are to remind me that she was four when she made this present for me.
Allan Hudson very kindly interviewed Jane and I for his blog: the South Branch Scribbler.
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Painting the School Outing Beaver Pond, Mactaquac
The yellow of the school bus is easy, but what colors do you give the rain of school kids descending? And how do you portray their energy, their noise, the tones of French and English? What colors are their vowels, their consonants, their high-pitched voices?
You can sketch their orderly rows as they snack on the top-hat magic pulled out of backpacks. But it’s not so easy to paint the pop of Pepsi cans, the scent of chocolate bars, or the crackle of chips released from packets and popped into mouths.
Running round after lunch, they drive the wild birds wild with their unorganized games of tag, their impromptu dances, their three-legged races, their winners and losers, their joys and sorrows. Fishing nets are produced from nowhere. Girls, boys wander to water’s edge in search of prey: incipient frogs, newts, tadpoles, bullheads, but how do you paint the wet and wriggle of them?
Try painting this. Whistles sound. Kids regroup. The bus reloads and goes. Now paint the silence. Sketch the tranquility of woods, bird-calls back, of the beaver pond with its lilies stretching their green necks skywards towards a pale blue sky where cotton clouds cluster together in celestial flocks. A pastoral scene, this painter’s paradise.
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Duende “Todo lo que tiene sonidos oscuros tiene duende.” “All that has dark sounds has duende.” Federico García Lorca (1898-1936)
It starts in the soles of your feet, moves up to your stomach, sends butterflies stamping through your guts. Heart trapped by chattering teeth, you stand there, silent, wondering: can I? will I? … what if I can’t? … then a voice breaks the silence, but it’s not your voice.
The Duende holds you in its grip as you hold the room, eyes wide, possessed, taken over like you by earth’s dark powers volcanic within you, spewing forth their lava of living words. The room is alive with soul magic, with this dark, glorious spark that devours the audience, soul and heart. It’s all over. The magic ends.
Abandoned, you stand empty, a hollow shell. The Duende has left you. Your God is dead. Deep your soul’s black starless night. Exhausted, you sink to deepest depths searching for that one last drop at the bottom of the bottle to save your soul and permit you a temporary peace.
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Mirror Image (on seeing the outline of a painting on the reverse side of my painted note-book page)
What price these corkscrew lines, reversed, seen through a glass, darkly, the wrong side of a tapestry, all twisted threads and imaginings, no clear pattern of thought or design, as if designated by an errant hand and signed by a man with a mission to bewilder, confuse, muddle, shock, turn inside out, back to front, upside down all our notions of what is what, and who is when, and why, and where?
Yet there is meaning to this madness, a sense of a blind man trapped underground in the labyrinth of his darkened mind with only a thin thread of belief to guide him, upwards and outwards, away from the torrid torment of doused flames, the damp spark’s midnight glow, the search for substance in a new world, insubstantial in a neologism, whirled through inner spaces and spun, guileful, out of the back of the hand to spin, this way, that way, who knows which way, according to the moment of delivery, the angle of acceptance, the untrained brain of the recipient, tottering on the brink of a world with a definite end: the suicide of logic.
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Dalí ‘s Clock Salvador Dalí
A clock, a sheet hung out, strung out, on a canvas washing line. No wind, no pegs, soon to be sun-bleached, dried, then folded in on itself, corner to corner the sheet, and the watch, how will it fold?
Face to face, in half circles, perhaps, or back-to-back with time cut in half, a tick without its companion tock, a stutter of time, halved, then quartered, then in an eighth, a quesadilla of broken springs and tiny wheels within wheels, all disjointed, with glass fragmenting, shattering.
While we watch, our clockwork universe disintegrates before our eyes, in a tiny explosion as all chronological creation implodes into a logic of carnival, absurd our words and world, devoid of meaning, a pocket-watch going over a waterfall, a timepiece soon to break into rusty pieces, painted by a man who dreams he isn’t mad.
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Chaos Theory
Chaos theory: it states that we don’t know what we’re doing and it wouldn’t really matter anyway, even if we did, because life lacks meaning, chance rules, and Lady Luck with her lusty locks attached to her forehead and she, all bald and hairless from behind, must be caught as she arrives, because later is much too late, and when past, she’s gone for good and our good luck’s gone with her, and we’re left for ever, sitting there, head in hands, bemoaning all that milk spilled before we ever had a chance to actually taste it.
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False Spring
Winter whiteness slowing now, and the tide that full bore crashed white waves against our house receding to garden’s foot where warm roots wait their waking.
But winter still stalks the land and April brings snow, more snow, as if there will never be an end to these waves of whiteness, thinner, trimmer, true, but unwelcome as spring days grow longer and sunrise beckons ever more early with Crow and Blue Jay breaking the morning’s peace into raucous pieces as they bounce from branch to branch …
.. and brown the earth, and barren, and bare, the robins finding no food and flying on, while the passerines just call and pass us by, finches at the feeder, purple and gold, yet singing no songs, and the robins, hop-along casualties of this long-delayed spring that promises, to come but never arrives …
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Comment: Not so bad this year, the weather, but it’s been a funny winter, most strange, and totally discomforting, what with the pandemic, the lockdowns, the relief of going back to yellow, fresh lockdowns, and so many things happening everywhere while we were trapped inside where nothing was happening, save in the various forms of virtual reality that replaced quotidian reality with a mixture of faux, fake, and false, all wrapped up in a brown-paper bag of honey-sweet smiles and scowls, raised voices, and bottled anguish.
Your flightless fancies flit through a darkness of despair, as awkward as auks, as clumsy as penguins stranded in zoo cages far from their native seas, as meaningless as the dodos, as dead as the ashes lying cold beneath the crematorium’s fire.
A sudden bucket clatters down the well, but it draws no water. Winter ice will not melt. Desert sands may burn boat and feet but they will not warm your glacial heart. The manner of your second coming brings forth no nourishment.
A spider web on the wall grows into a mirror. Face to face, present and past become ambulant tenses that foretell no conditional. No future beckons, let alone a future perfect. A dislocation of infinitives stretches into the infinity of an invisible futurity of never-joining railway lines.
The sword of Damocles
hangs above your head
supported by a fragile thread.
Scissor-tailed birds around you fly
and Fate’s sharp knife is standing by
to sever your thread and watch you die.
If you’re up to your shoulders in tragedies
whatever you do, don’t drop to your knees,
for if you do you’ll surely drown
and that sword will bring you down.
If the sword falls you mustn’t grieve:
for we’re all bound by the webs we weave.
Our lives are shaped by what we believe,
and also by what we build and leave.