Creativity

A Broken Heart

A Broken Heart

What does a broken heart look like? Good question – and I, for one, don’t know. Maybe my artist friend, Moo, does. He painted this image of a Fragmented Heart the other day. Not that his heart was broken. He told me he was interpreting the words and feelings of a close friend (who shall remain nameless) who has been having the feelings associated with a heart that was actually breaking. Tough times, eh?

Rejections get me down and annoy me, but they don’t break my heart. I submitted a short story to a magazine on January 4, 2023 and got a rejection letter yesterday, May 6, 2024. It was a form letter, 16 months after submission, just to say “no”!

Of course, the few acceptances that I actually do get make up for the many rejections, as is always the case. However, there seem to be fewer of these acceptances as my thoughts look inwards and I turn from ‘poetry of play to poetry that expresses the authenticity of being‘ (Johannes Pfeiffer). In this day and age, I fear that readers seek entertainment and distraction and prefer the light-hearted to the heavy hand of deep thought and poetic authenticity. And remember, I do not distinguish between poetry and prose, as many do. For me, poetry is writing, be it in poetry or prose.

But back to the theme of the broken heart. Here are three linked poems.

Old Wounds

“The slow wound
deepens with the years
and brings no healing.”

The Minister by R. S. Thomas

How deep time’s wounds
have cut and carved,
not just in flesh and bone,
but in the embers
of that slow-burn fire
 they call the heart.

Memory and mind
have also played their part.

Some days, those wounds
don’t ache at all.

But there’s no real healing,
and a moment of madness
or a knife-edged finger nail,
careless, in the dark,
opens them up again
to bleed afresh
and remind us
of the frailty of the flesh.

I Remember

“I remember so well how it was back then.
I was lonely, my heart so broken I couldn’t
count the pieces, nor put the puzzle together,
 although I tried so hard to make it whole again.

I still bear scars, trenches dug so deep,
lines gouged into my body. I can’t always sleep.
Nightmares pave a crooked, cobbled way to day.

Some nights, I wake up suddenly from a dream
and scream the way that stuck pigs scream
when, hot, their blood comes steaming out.
Other nights, in pain and panic, at shadows I shout.

I search for someone to care for me. I want them
to understand my grief and help me forget the thief
who stole my joy and left me this life of disbelief.”

Signs of Age

What is pain, but the knowledge
that we are alive, and relatively well,
and still on the green side of the grass.

Long may it last. For when the pain is gone,
we shall soon follow. And this is age,
and age is this pain, and the painful
knowledge that we are no longer young,
can no longer bend the way we bent,
or touch our toes, or even see our toes,
some of us. The golden arrow pierces
the heart. Fierce is the pain. But when
that arrow is withdrawn and the heart
no longer feels alive, why, how we miss
that pain, how we weep to find it gone,
perhaps never to come back again.

Pain, like rain, an essential part of the cycle
of the seasons, of the days and the weeks,
and all the months and years that walk us
around the circadian circle, in time with the earth
and its desire to open its arms, and welcome us,
and greet us, and bring us our rest, from pain.

So much wisdom sewn into the wrinkled skin,
the gap-filled grin that glows with humor,
the crow’s foot signals of old age,
or merely those we associate with ageing,
and the knowledge that, yes, many
have walked this wobbly way before,
and many more will follow in our footsteps.

Take your pick – ‘poetry of play to poetry that expresses the authenticity of being‘ – but I know which I prefer and ‘still I live in hopes to see poems of authenticity.”

Prompts and Impromptus

Prompts and Impromptus

The creative process is different for each one of us. I think of three different creative modes.

The Quarry and Treasure Trove – I write in my journal every day. I have done so for nearly forty years. For me, it is a treasure trove of creativity and I can return to it anytime I want to to revive old memories and to research old moods. I think of it as a quarry that contains valuable images and metaphors that can be used in different ways to create and recreate. I also find that, as I journal, I distinguish between that which is mere dust and ashes and can be abandoned, and that which is a genuine gemstone that can be polished and published. Writing regularly helps me to distinguish between the commonplace and that one piece of gold that emerges.

Impromptus – Some people, like the cat above, wait patiently for inspiration to come. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, they blame Writer’s Block or something similar. While you can sit and wait for inspiration, using the methods outlined in The Quarry and Treasure Trove you can ‘go out and make things happen’. Seek and you will find. Knock and it will open. Now that’s inspiration for you!

Prompts – The creative writer can also use prompts. I have used those that appear in Word Press, but only in sporadic fashion. I do not use them everyday. In fact, I have been a bit down and otherwise engaged recently, and my visits to social media have been very limited. I apologize to my friends – we few, we happy few, we band of siblings.

One of my best friends has been helping me through this rough patch. She has been putting together a book of creative prompts. She converted that into a webpage called  judyandco.com and I highly recommend her work to anyone who, like me, gives up the ghost for a little while, and then wishes to regain the creative spirit. As she wrote to me only this morning – “there’s a bunch of free stuff on there” -.

So, for those who need a kick start for their creativity, try clicking on  judyandco.com – I am sure you will find inspiration there.

In Place of Grief

In Place of Grief

A double meaning of course / wrth gwrs. (a) to be in a place of grief and (b) to do something in place of grief i.e. instead of grief. Take your pick. One of my close friends immediately called it Chains. I replied – Ray Charles – “Take these chains from my heart and set me free.” Sometimes, with a great effort, we can do that ourselves. But, if the hole we have dug for ourselves, or that has been dug for us, is too deep, then we may need help.

Creativity is always a help. Painting and poetry, for me. And sometimes the hand of friendship, reaching out from the anonymity of hyperspace – the space beyond the space in which I live and with which I hold my Bakhtinian Dialog what he calls my chronotopos – my dialog with my time and place. Alas, sometimes it is a monolog – and then, when I get not reply, either from time nor from place, I feel an existential grief.

Door

A door slammed shut
          in my heart.

That closed door
          left me outside,
shivering in the cold.

Now I no longer know
          who or what I am.

The shadow of nothingness
          wraps its black shroud
around my shoulders.

Dark night of the heart,
          and me alone,
walking an unlit road
          with no end in sight.

(a) The shadow of nothingness is Meister Eickhard’s Umbra Nihili. A reference to the medieval philosopher.

(b) The dark night of the heart is a reference to St. John of the Cross’s dark night of the soul, part of the Via Purgativa, the mysterious road walked by the Mystics.

What’s in a name?

What’s in a name?

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” What’s in a name? And how do we name things? Perhaps, more important, why do we name them? Perhaps when we name something, we feel that we control, if not the thing itself, then perhaps our relationship to it.

The Naming of Cats – that seems to be a strange place to start. To begin with, do we think we can control our cats when we name them? Now that is a very good question. And what name should we give to a cat when, in the words of T. S. Eliot and Old Possum, only a cat knows its one and only inscrutable name.

So, is a cat inscrutable? Does a cat have the inscrutable smile of the Sphinx? I wonder what the cat, pictured above, is thinking. One, two, three, where’s my breakfast? Oh yes, that’s Rudyard Kipling, my dearly beloveds, as you well know. Or do you? So much knowledge is being lost, swallowed up by the black hole of AI that is gnawing away at our brains the same way the moon gnaws at the sun disc in a solar eclipse.

“Sitting on my back porch watching the moon
devouring the sun with a big, black spoon.”

So what would we like to call the inscrutable cat who lounges so luxuriously on the bed in the above picture? Old Deuteronomy? No. Princess Squiffy? No. Willow, as in Pussy Willow? No. That’s somebody else’s cat. Blackjack? No. Blackjack is a black dog and this cat is white. Seamus? Sorry – wrong house, wrong family, wrong set of memories. Spot? No. Sorry, that’s what my grandfather called his zebra. Smudge? No. No smudges on that beauty. Sphinx? Or Sphincter? No. Mustn’t be rude.

Control. It’s all about control. Do you really think we can control that cat merely by naming it? Or , as is all too often the truth, do you thank that a cat like that actually controls us. In that case we must move from Thy Servant a Dog to Thy Master (or Mistress) a Cat.

“Do you like Kipling?”
“Not really. I never Kipple.”

So how about Master? Mistress? Colonel Bogey? Sergeant Major? Boss? Top Cat? Prince or Princess? Queen or Queenie? Please send your answers on a postcard to the North Pole via dog sled, preferably before Christmas, and maybe Santa will send you a nice present – if you give Saucy Sue her correct name.

PS. It’s not Saucy Sue. Roll the dice and try again.

Solar Eclipse

Solar Eclipse

(Devil’s Kitchen, PP. 118-120)

            … with my angels … face to face … the ones I have carried within me since the day I was born … the grey-one … winged like a whisky jack who arrives in dreams… the white-one that hovers dove-like as I lie asleep … the multi-colored-one who wraps me in his feathered wings when I am alone and chilled by the world around me … the black-one who flaps with me on his back when I can walk no further and who creates the single set of footprints that plod their path through the badlands when I can walk no more …
            … ‘the truth’ my black angel says to me … I say ‘he’ but he is a powerful spirit, not sexed in anyway I know it … and yet I think of him as ‘he’ …awesome in the tiny reflection he sometimes allows me to glimpse of his power and glory … for, like Rilke, I could not bear meeting his whole angelic being face to face … as I cannot bear the sun, not by day, and not in eclipse … not even with smoked glass … this is the moment of truth when human values turn upside down and earth takes on a new reality … wild birds and bank swallows roosting at three in the afternoon … and that fierce heat draining from the summer sky … I remember it well … and the dog whimpering as a portion of the angel’s wing erased the sun until an umber midnight ruled … a simple phenomenon, the papers said … the moon coming between the earth and the sun …but magic … pure magic … to we who stood on the shore at Skinner’s Pond and sensed the majesty of the universe … more powerful than anything we could imagine … and the dog … taking no comfort from its human gods … whimpering at our feet …
            … during the eclipse I saw a single feather floating down and knew my angel had placed himself between me and all that glory … to protect me … to save me from myself … and I saw that snowflake of an angel feather bleached from black to white by some small trick of the sunlight … and knowledge filled me … and for a moment I felt the glory … the magnificence … and there are no words for that slow filling up with want and desire as light filters from the sky and the body fills with darkness … and I was so afraid … afraid of myself … of where I had been … of where I stood … of what I might return to … of my lost shadow … snipped from my heels …
            … I don’t know how I heard my angel’s words … ‘the time of truth is upon you’ … ‘all you have ever been is behind you now’ … ‘naked you stand here on this shore’ … ‘like the grains of sand on this beach’ … ‘your days are numbered by the only one who counts’ … I heard the sound of roosting wings … but I heard and saw nothing more … I felt only midnight’s cold when the chill enters the body and the soul is sore afraid …
            … ‘it is the law’ my angel said … I saw a second feather fall … ‘and the law says man must fail’ … ‘his spirit must leave its mortal shell and fly back to the light’ … ‘blood will cease to flow’ … ‘the heart will no longer beat’ … the spirit must accept the call and go’ … ‘do not assume’… ‘nobody knows what lies in wait’ … ‘blind acceptance’ … ‘the only way’ … ‘now’ …  ‘in this twilight hour’ …  ‘now when you are blind’ … ‘only the blind shall receive the gift of sight’ … ‘all you have’ … ‘your wife’ … ‘your house’ … ‘your car’ … ‘your child’ … ‘everything you think of as yours’ … ‘I own’ … ‘and on that day’ …’ I will claim it from you and take it for my own’ … ‘now I can say no more’ …
            … the sea-wind rose with a sigh and one by one night’s shadows fled … the moon’s brief circle fell away from the sun … light returned, a drop at a time, sunshine flowing from a heavenly clepsydra filled with light …
            after the eclipse … birds ceased to circle … a stray dog saw a sea-gull and chased it back to sea … and the sun … source of all goodness … was once again a golden coin floating in the sky …

… on my shoulder a feather perched … a whisper of warmth wrapped its protective cloak around my shoulders … for a moment, just a moment, I knew I was the apple of my angel’s eye … and I knew that one day I would meet him again … and understand …

Devil’s Kitchen
Short Stories and Flash Fiction
Click here to purchase this book.

Hope Springs Eternal

Hope Springs Eternal

Easter Sunday and the world is reborn. Early, this year, yes. March 31. But all too often in April we see the snow disappear and look out on watch for the geese. Some have flown through, just a few. We search for the flowers, and one or two are pushing upwards in the garden beneath our window. I see a green fuzz on the crab apple trees on our front lawn and the same sign of green around the tops of the tallest birch trees. The crows are flying in pairs, sharing the same branch, and huddling shoulder to shoulder. And yes, the world feels good. Our world. The little world of Island View.

There’s something special about the Equinox. We can feel it in our bones and in the bones of Old Mother Earth. The standing stones of Stonehenge have measured the Equinox for thousands of years, as have the stone circles that can be found all over the British Isles. Even in our garden, in Island View, we know when and where the sun will rise above the ridge as, each morning, we predict the kind of day.

But, when I look to the world beyond my world, the signs of spring are few and far between. I remember swimming in the sea at Pwll Ddu every Easter, on Easter Sunday. When I look at the news, the beaches of my Gower childhood are now polluted. Signs – Caution – Do not enter the water – abound. The boat race took place a day or two ago (depending on when you are reading this). For the first time in 190 years, the winning team was told NOT to throw their coxswain into the water, nor to enter the water themselves in that glorious after-splash of famous victory. The waters of the Thames are so polluted that serious illness might occur. “Oh Thames, flow gently while I sing my song.”

“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.” I don’t know who said that, but I echo those words. Where are we going? Why are we going there? What can we do about it?

I look at the Easter Message – Northern Hemisphere – the spring rebirth. The world reborn in flowers. I look at the news – or do I? I no longer want to look at the news. I no longer want to read about the shipping disasters, the environmental catastrophes, the mass shootings, the road rage, long term Covid, misinformation and disinformation, fake news, wars and rumor of wars.

I love the Spanish word – ensimismado meaning to go into oneself. So, I go into my little world, into myself. I retreat into poetry and painting. I try to recreate my childhood world as I knew it, as I still want it to be – full of love, trust, goodness, kindness, softness, beauty, and, above all, faith, charity, and hope.

Marx once said “Workers of the world, unite.” But fewer and fewer people are working. A song of the sixties said “You alone know what is right, lovers of the world, unite.” Now I put out my own cry – “Creatives of the world, unite.” Let us join together to creatively build a better world and to fill it with joy, light, faith, hope, and charity. And the greatest of these, my dear friends, is charity.

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

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When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
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When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I attended an international research conference on Quevedo, a long time ago, when I was teaching full time. A senior researcher, at the reception, heard me speaking and spoke to me – “Excuse me, and forgive me for asking, but I love your accent. Where did you grow up?” The question took me by surprise and, slightly off-balance, I replied – “I don’t think I have yet.” I assume the laughter was provoked by whatever my fellow academics were quaffing at the time.

Yet the answer lies very close to the truth. When I was four or five years old, one of the local priests asked me a similar question – “What do you want to be when you grow up?” At that stage of my life, I lived in a very strange world. All around me, my family seemed to fight like cats and dogs. I watched my dog chasing cats, and thought that women were cats and men were dogs. And all they ever did was chase one another and fight. I didn’t want to live a life like that. “I never want to grow up,” I told that priest. “You have to grow up,” the priest replied. “Everybody has to grow up.” “Peter Pan didn’t,” I said. “And I won’t either.”

I have tried, like Picasso, to see worldly things through they eyes of that child who has always lived in me. Sometimes, it is not easy to do so. The bitterness of the adult world creeps in and my world is flooded by those same old conflicts that have been there ever since I can remember. Fray Luis de Leon wrote about them when, after five years, he was finally released from imprisonment by the Spanish Inquisition.

“Aqui la envidia y mentira / me tuvieron encerrado,” he penned. “Here, envy and lies / kept me imprisoned.” Rather than the rat race of the adult world, he chose to follow the “hidden path trodden by the few wise sages who have lived in this world.” He also chose to be surrounded by simplicity and the child-like pleasures of a solitary life in which he found himself “ni envidiado, ni invidioso” / “neither envied nor envious.”

And there you have it, drawn from the mind of a five year old child and framed in the words, more or less, of a an excellent Spanish poet, whose work, dating from the 16th. Century, borders on the mystical nature of pantheistic theological thought.

The painting, incidentally, is by my artist friend, Moo, and he calls it Pi in the Sky. You can think what you like about that and interpret it in any way you want. I hope Moo never grows up either.

Spirits

Spirits

Neon Orange, the tube said. I tried it out last night and this is what emerged. I call it Spirits, but that is really short for “We are spirits in the material world.” I have always loved that idea. So, how many spirits can you count in this painting? “Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head” – whatever that means. This is certainly a very different palette for me and the start of another set of experiments.

I have often wondered what that spirit world would look like. Perhaps they are all present in our material world? No wonder this planet of ours is so over-crowded! Or maybe they are spread across the universe and that is why the universe is expanding, to make room for them all, and even more of them in the making and on their way.

Is speculation as much fun as peculation? I can certainly do the former, but I’ve never done the latter. So, I guess I’ll never know. Never mind – life long learning – if somebody gifts me with enough of their money, one day I may speculate and peculate, and then I’ll find out, if I’m not found out first.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll stick to being a free spirit in a world that gets more materialistic every day. And this is my slogan – “Free spirits of the world, unite!” If there were enough of us, we could take it over, the world. Freeing it is one thing. Managing it afterwards might not be so much fun. I guess I’ll stick to speculation!

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

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What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?
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What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

How do you define a TV series? If you mean ALL the episodes of, let us say, Coronation Street, I have to admit that I haven’t watched the whole series once, let alone five times. However, since I can recall Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell, and Martha Longhurst, and since I can also recall Ken Barlow as a schoolboy, I guess I have seen more than five, individual episodes over the last sixty years or so. I remember watching it on our black and white tv, very grainy, during the school holidays. Lots of strange, new advertisements, and ITV the only rival to the BBC.

Other TV series, of which I have seen at least five separate episodes, include Dr. Who, Last Tango in Halifax, Doc Martin, Midsomer Murders, and many others, including Watch With Mother, The Woodentops, Muffin the Mule, Sooty, Bill and Ben, and The Magic Roundabout. I can’t imagine watching Sooty hit Harry Corbett with a hammer five consecutive times! In the same show, yes, but I don’t think Harry Corbett, or I would survive watching a continuous loop of the series five times. “Oh no, Sooty. Don’t hit me with the hammer.” Whack! “Ouch!”

The same with films. I used to love going to the movies with my daughter. I took her to see Bambi one night. That movie was sold out so we watched Rocky instead. I can’t remember what number it was, but I do remember us chanting Bambi! Bambi! Bambi! as the blows in the boxing ring flew thick and fast. We were still chanting it when we drove home.

Another movie that we watched several times – The Time Bandits. I still have dreams of the horse breaking through the bedroom wall and into the child’s sleeping room. Scrooge, in one of its many reinventions, is a Christmas favorite, as is The Sound of Music, and A Child’s Christmas in Wales. I guess I might have seen them more than five times, though I usually get bored with the repetition and take a break and move away. Stagecoach is another family favorite and I have seen it in black and white as well as in color. But whether I have seen it more than five times is a good question.

Having said all of that, the one movie that my daughter and I did see on at least ten separate occasions was Labyrinth. I was researching in Spain at the time. We went to see it several times in Madrid. Then, when we moved to Granada, we saw it there, at least three times. At the beginning, I had to translate every phrase. “What are they saying now, dad?” But during our ninth viewing, in Almeria, I started to explain something in English and my daughter said: “Hush, dad. I’m trying to listen to the movie.”

So, there you are. Labyrinth wins, hands down, with ten full viewings, all in Spanish. But I have never seen it in English. And that’s today’s trip down memory lane. Thank you for reading this far (if you have) and goodbye.

What is the last thing you learned?

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What is the last thing you learned?
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What is the last thing you learned?

I watched Doc Martin last night, Season 1, Episode 1 – Going Bodmin. And here’s the painting of the excellent state of Bodminism. Offers of less than $10,000 for the original will be turned down. As for me, I think I am slowly going Bodmin. And why shouldn’t I? A merry road, a mazy road, that night when we did tread, all the way to Bodmin Moor, by way of Beachy Head.

So, what is the last thing that I learned? That I too am “Going Bodmin” – slowly, bit by bit, and having such great fun along the way. I have drawn the portraits of some of my fellow Bodminists whom I meet along the way. Maybe you can recognize one or two of them.

I guess going Bodmin is like going on a pilgrimage, to Santiago de Compostela, say, or like the Medieval Trip to Jerusalem. This modern pilgrimage can start anywhere in the UK as long as it ends in Nottingham, in one of Olde England’s oldest pubs, a spider-web-filled cavern known, of course, as The Trip to Jerusalem. This was, once upon a time, the start of the pilgrimage to the Holy City. Now it is the end of the pilgrimage from Bristol City.

Well, that was the road I ran back in 1966 when we ran a road relay from Bristol University Students’ Union to Stamford Bridge, down to Hastings, and back to Bristol. King Harold Marched from Stamford Bridge (where he defeated Harold Hard Loki) to Hastings (where he was conquered by Willy the Conker) in 1066. Alas, I don’t think the Trip to Jerusalem was open then, so he couldn’t stop in for a quick one on the way down. Might’ve won the battle if he had. Caught looking up to see where the spider webs were, I guess.

So, the last thing I learned was that I am going Bodmin! Did you learn anything from this blog? If you did, let me know what it was, and remember, it’s a long way to Tip-a-rary, but it’s a merry road and a mazy road when you’re heading for Bodmin Moor.