Never The Twain
“And never the twain shall meet.”
This was the chorus that my grandparents often chanted at me when family members started rowing with each other over one trivial incident or another.
“But what happens when the twain do meet,” I used to ask.
“Don’t be silly,” they said. “The twain never meet. Ever.”
But I know very well that they do.
I know.
I’ve seen them together.
Funny things, they are, the twain, and opposites in so many ways. But so nice, in spite of what some people, especially my grandparents, used to say about them.
Not only do they meet, but they can be happy together and very, very friendly.
“Long time, no see,” the twain say, and they often embrace quite warmly with a bunch of flowers held between them.
Mind you, the twain can also be quite awkward and occasionally very abusive towards each other. I remember my mother and father fighting “like cats and dogs” as my grandparents used to say.
Now, my grandparents had a cat. It was black and white and striped like a zebra. They called it Spot. My parents had a dog. It was an English Cocker Spaniel, gold in color, and off-spring to a famous sire, the Six-Shot Woody Woodpecker. They called the dog Wimpy but it was by no means a wimp and fought with everything in sight, especially the cat.
So when my father and mother fought and the family cat and dog fought, I thought, quite reasonably in my opinion, that the dog (with his short hair) was male and the cat (with her long hair) was female, and that was the reason why they fought like cats and dogs. And “never the twain shall meet” as my grandparents used to say about my mother and father and the cat and the dog.
I guess it was too early to learn about the birds and the bees when, young and all too innocent, I was learning about the cats and the dogs.
And of course it’s only natural that the twain should meet. My mother and my father, like the cat and the dog, had to meet somewhere, didn’t they? How else would I be here? Now, we weren’t the sort of family that practiced contraception by throwing stones at the storks to keep the babies away.
But I could never work out why the cat always had female kittens while the dog had all-male off-spring. That was a bit too much for me, and nobody ever really explained anything I those days.
There is a great Abbott and Costello movie mystery where they make great use of ‘never the twain’
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I don’t remember that one. More than anything I remember those movies from facial expressions: I can see the faces clearly, but I rarely remember their words.
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I love finding out the original of phrases and sayings like this one. I read that its attributed to Rudyard Kipling in describing the gulf between the cultures of the British and their colonial subjects in India.
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Kipling was an interesting writer. There are bits of him that I hate and bits of him that I love … and never the twain shall meet, I guess.
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Aha! Good one! I’ve never read Kipling… that seems wrong, but his work never appealed to me so I never gave it a go.
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Very chest-banging, pro-Empire in places, but some very good insights, too. And some excellent characters. I like his journalistic early articles / stories best.”Do you like Kipling?” “I don’t know. I’ve never Kipled.”
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Ahaha! I like that!
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