Thursday Thoughts
10 May 2018
Fear
Tomorrow I drive to Quispamsis to give a writers’ workshop on Fear. How do I tell the participants that I am afraid? I am afraid of the journey there by road. I am afraid of stray moose and deer, fleeing from the flooding, and standing, frightened, by the roadside, ready to panic and run at the car. I am afraid of getting lost, of losing my way, of being stranded in unknown streets with no outlet, no exit, no easy way home.
How do I tell them I am afraid of them. I am afraid of their knowledge. Many of them will know more than me. They are all unknown quantities, blank faces at present, with tumble dryer minds full of churning ideas, ideas that I have never had nor met. I am frightened. I have it in my head to call in sick, to say I am no longer available, to say I cannot come to orchestrate the music that I myself composed.
Stage fright, I suppose, these pre-conference nerves that battered me all last night with their owls’ wings, leaving me sleepless, turning and tossing, cringing at my own lack of everything that I will tell them they should have.
Fear: a black monster that hides beneath the bed. I dare not leave arm or hand above the blankets in case the monster emerges and bites off the hand that feeds it with more fears. Fear: the shadow in the corner, looming over the bed, shaking me by the shoulder as I lie there, tormented. Fear: the jaws that bite, the claws that snatch, the hand that holds me by the ear or the scruff of the neck and drags me back into a shadowy past where monsters dwell and flicker in the candlelight, growing larger as I walk down white-washed halls.
Enough, no more: I am just as afraid now as I was before. Sleepless tonight, too tired tomorrow to care, I will leave early, hope for the best, wind my way carefully through deer strewn roads and perilous paths. When I get lost, and I probably will, I will ask the way. And all the time I’ll sing my favorite travel song: ‘I know where I’m going’ … even if I don’t.
rogermoorepoet 
What ?
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You have lost me with your “what?” Lia, … I guess “even if I don’t know where I am going” might be the best answer, although I’m not sure what the question is!!!!
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I didn’t make this comment!
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My apologies. I do not know how this has happened. Let us hope we have not been hacked.
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I think I have been. I’m sorry.
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No problem my end as yet. I hope for your sake that you settle the issue soon. It can be so invasive. Best wishes and good luck.
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This is a great depiction of that inward struggle against fear, Roger. Best of luck at the conference!
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It keeps me on my toes: no complacency here … just a desire to turn up and do my best.
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Wishing you safe travels and good luck with your presentations. You will be wonderful I am sure! 👏
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Just getting jittery. Lots of work still to be done, and I am procrastinating. I do hate those moose on the highway, though.
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I can imagine! I’ve hit a deer or two in my day and moose are way bigger!
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We have regular deaths on the NB highways from accidents involving cars and moose. In fact I lost a good friend to a moose hit, just last year. I’ll be careful.
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Well-written, with an idea well formed. What time will you leave; I was thinking of leaving after lunch. Chuck
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Probably after lunch too. I’d like to leave early (12-1).I want to get the feel of the room and the atmosphere etc before I go on stage. Alas: I always get nervous, always will, I suppose.
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